So when are you a friend and when are you a parent?
It would seem that the kneejerk reaction of most would be never a friend, always a parent.
However today things are different in many ways and parents and kids (mostly) relate on a whole different level to when I was growing up.
Interactive conversation, opinions, debates and thoughts are much more open and expressed today between parents and kids, parents and teens and parents and young adults. There is less of the do as I say kind of parenting and more of the do as I say but we can discuss why, kind of parenting. I do not mean that every word out of your mouth is to be questioned and debated (oh wait, I have a 15 year old, so it is), I simply mean that with the vast amount of social media activity amongst youngsters and the even vaster amount of information they have access too, it is to be expected that healthy debate can, and should, take place.
I have found these discussions, debates, interactions and even sometimes fallouts to be of huge value. Through these, in as gentle a way as possible you get to actually get a beautiful view of what goes on in your child's head (and I mean all ages) and in their lives. That clam up thing that kids do, especially boys at a certain age, can be gently melted with some conversation. Now parents .... note the word conversation. Not reprimanding. Not giving the 3rd degree. Not starting any sentences with the words "now when I was young" or "If I said that to my mother" etc etc. Ease yourself into a chat. And don't tell me it is difficult. Because I know all the pitfalls and I know that you may have to have 256 non-starter chats and retries before you make a breakthrough. Some kids (normally up to about 9 or 10 yrs) will talk your ear off and give you EVERY detail about their day, every bathroom visit, everything their teacher said and so forth. This seems to manifest itself again in the late teens stage ... my 19 yr old daughter tells me EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING in detail of her day at chefs school and anywhere else. My son? My son needs to be coaxed ........ but when he gets going then we have the most fantastic conversations, at least 70 % of the week, and that is a great average to have.
Don't say "how was your day" because you are going to get "ok" and then dear parent? Where you gonna go now with the conversation? I like to try what was the greatest thing about your school day .... sometimes I get one word "sandwiches" ... that is perfect ... it beats "ok" and gives me something to build on ..... what was on them (my hubby makes school lunches). When your child has a bad day, allow some simmering and quietness .... when I have a bad day I do not want to play 20 questions with anyone ... give your children this same respect.
And bedrooms .... it is theirs .... allow it to be so. You can lay down the basic rules about what may and may not be hung on the walls, but allow their area of interest to be displayed. If they go home from school and collapse on the bed and remain silent for 2 hours .... bite your tongue!!!!! They will come out I guarantee .... because hunger will drive them towards you at some stage.
I am always my kid's parent. But I am also their friend. Not a friend in the BFF, share our secrets, tell me all your fears and other stuff in your life way.... but a friend in the sense of someone who is always there, who you can always call in a crisis, who will LISTEN when you have done something wrong and try hear your side, who will tell you that your hair is ok, when it is a little weird, who will buy you a peppermint crisp shake at 11pm and go to Burger King at crazy times, just for fun. Who knows the words to many of the latest songs and allows you to play your music through the car Bluetooth en route home, even though it may not always be my favourite songs (although most are), who will watch a movie with you at all hours....... and then when I need to be a parent I tell them about bedtimes, that their hair needs to be cut, that they should think before they do and all the other parenting type things .....
Balance ... it is about balance .... and Communication.
Let go and relax just a tad parents ...these will be special times otherwise that you will miss with your kids.
till next time,
Keep the Faith
xxxx
