open handed kindness

the open-handed random act of kindness

Tonight I chatted to someone at Mass.  Not a person really involved in my personal life, but someone who is aware of the sort of "main" things in my life, as one often is with certain people you regularly go to Mass with.  God has the most incredible timing when putting someone in front of you and inspiring them to say something highly relevant or helpful or kind at exactly the most perfect moment. 

Such was this conversation tonight. 

Wrestling with a number of things in my head at once, and a lot of time to wrestle with them now that I am officially on leave, I arrived at Mass with a very mixed head and mixed heart.  

I had prepared my reading for the evening  well by not only going over it several times, but by going to a Catholic site to have the meaning of it explained (love Google) because I believe that the infliction in your voice is affected by what you perceive the reading to mean.  Sometimes I feel myself emphasising certain words when I read, only to find out when the Priest talks about the first reading in his Homily, that I have failed dismally.  So I find this research helpful.  So I was feeling centred in my mind for this, but at the same time I had a lot of stuff spinning in it and I was trying to find the calm space.  In all this time I had a chat to a fellow church-goer. 

And in that 10 minute conversation he took such an interest in Jess' recovery, gave advice on the fact that we do not know where to have the staples removed in CT and just chatted in general about stuff I told him, that I was feeling completely in my calm space when the Mass bell was rung.  

And then straight after that our Priest spoke about closed fisted and open handed people.  And trying to be the latter.  And be it consistently.  It touched me for a variety of reasons, but it made me think on the way home of one fellow parishioner who had spoken to me for 10 minutes with an "open hand".  

Thank you ...... your random act of kindness came at the perfect time. 
Tomorrow I will try and pay it forward

"Nothing can make our lives or the lives of other people more beautiful than perpetual kindness" - Tolstoy 

Till soon 
c'est la vie 
xxx 

Christmas ... can you taste it?

So deck the halls with boughs of holly. 

On second thoughts perhaps don’t.  And no fake snow. 

Because it is December.  In Pretoria it is 36 degrees outside.  Not even the slightest indication that snow is a-coming. 

I am a huge fan of Christmas trees and decorations.  Of all things sparkly and twinkly (although those that know me will tell you that I am a sparkly and twinkly fan 365 days of the year).  I love Lebkuchen and Christmas cake (why can we not eat it in other months?), I love tinsel, chasing lights, candles and incense. I know the words to all the carols and can be seen singing along merrily in my car.

I just do not want to do or have anything in the above paragraph on the 29^th of October already.  Which is when I saw the first Mall Christmas tree.  In the 2^nd week of November I found myself singing along to Silent Night in another mall until I realised what the hell I was doing and switched to something more current.  Like Eminem. 

Our tree will go up this weekend, which is late for us.  I have a load of 15 year olds descending on our home on Saturday for a sleepover.  One that is apparently lasting till the following Friday.  Aforementioned teenagers will be roped in for the tree event.  We did the same last year.  My hubby has one job and one job only each year – to unroll the Christmas lights and place them on the ground in a straight stripe for putting up.  In the first 5 years of our marriage this was a fun task which he did with great glee.  We were “newly-weds”.  Then in the next 5 years he started to look a little testy ….. showing me how we should “rather have” packed them away.  In years 10 -15 he displayed less patience …. Christmas light unfolding fell into the same category as packing our luggage into the boot when going on holiday.  We nearly had to go for couples counselling.  He muttered some stuff whilst unravelling the lights …. It was NOT the words to Santa Clause is coming to Town.  Between 15 and 20yrs of marriage I considered hiring a handyman to sort out the lights and now after 22yrs we have it sorted.  I roll them when the tree comes down and I unroll them when it goes up …. Wish I thought of that 2 decades ago.  He checks the bulbs and we carry on. 

Do we have rules.  No.  When our kids were 5 and 1, our tree looked like it was done by kids of 5 and 1.  As it should be.  Over the years the symmetry of the ornaments, the evenly spread lights and decorations have increased greatly, as their ages did.  Now at 19 and 15 we have perfection. 

I believe the way the tree looks should “grow up” as your children do.  I hope they come and decorate it every year once they have both left home. 

We do not do Gluwein.  We would rather have our fondue forks stuck through our eyes than drink Gluwein.  At a party about 15 years ago our host was thrilled at how much of it we kept having as she refilled our glasses.  Her potplant in the passage was saturated as we were pouring it out in there.  Nor do we do Eggnog.  Just so we clear.

Another thrill is the Advent calendars with choccies.  No, you are not too old at 48 to have one.  It is the best thing to slip that choccie in your mouth en route to bed.  I would not have it any other way.  Advent calendars are always in our home.  The trick is to not have eaten 1 to 9 Dec when it is only the 4^th.   And Christmas cookies.  Every house should know the smell of Christmas cookies in the oven!  

And then the most important – the real Christmas joys …..one is our Nativity Scene.  This too has grown over the years.  Our initial one got smaller and smaller as little hands dropped a sheep, the one Shepard and eventually the manger …. It was becoming tricky and when we accidentally lost Mary’s head, it was time for a new nativity.  And now we have a lovely one with 25cm figurines, and the kids lovingly pack it out each year.  It almost takes longer than the tree. 

They went through the blessings for the Advent wreath and on Sunday as we lit the first candle, they read the pieces that were relevant to the lighting of the first candle.   We think a lot about what Christmas means in our house, not the sparkly tree and gift part, but the sparkly in our hearts bit, the love we feel, the great event that is coming soon, the warmth of a manger that is bringing to us such a wonderful gift, wrapped in love and eternal compassion and understanding.

Taste and feel it .......

Christmas is a-coming.  Look towards your church.  Live Advent.  Look at your family.  Pray. Prepare and wait in excitement for that wonderful moment.  Drench yourself in joy and thanksgiving.

Can you feel it? 

till soon,

take a Leap of Faith xxx

Fear and the 5 talents

Interesting Gospel this week ..... Matthew 25:14-30 .... a master handing out talents (gold) to his slaves for them to look after while he is away (ok that is the gist of it, just not written as eloquently as the Bible has it).  When he returns, 2 of his slaves have doubled what he left them in charge of and 1 slave has simply returned what he was given.  Dialogue takes place and the latter slave is taken to task because he did not do anything.  Seems he held back out of fear.  He did what he thought was right.  Turns out he should have risked, looked forward, showed initiative, showed enthusiasm and tried to impress his boss.  Much like an office situation. 

That is the short and simple version.  

But the fear part?  After the Bible Study class this gave me much food for thought.  When the word "fear"came out in the class, it felt like 20 shuttered windows slammed open simultaneously in my mind.  This thought stayed foremost in my mind for the rest of Thursday and all of Friday, late into the night. 

How do we let fear rule our lives?  Fear of failure, fear of others, fear of upsetting people, fear of causing dissension, fear of stepping out, fear of standing out, fear of ridicule, fear of harsh words, fear of so many things?

How often do we not try things because we are worried what people will say / think / be judgemental about?  When we might have been very successful. 
How often do we stand down to others because we are scared of the repercussions of speaking up?  When perhaps it would be good for the relationship.
How often do we not speak up when we have an idea in case we look foolish?  When that idea could be a very valuable one? 

I find myself guilty of all of the above. 
Will I work at it? Perhaps.  I would love to shout out a resounding YES, but I know that a little fear will always hold me back to some extent. 

I have an idea in my head.  For a project that would help people.  Not aimed at the desolate or underprivileged.  Not aimed at those in shelters.  But aimed at another group of needy people.  Those that find themselves struggling financially within our circles.  I want to work with those who carry it bravely in their everyday lives.  Our colleagues, friends, fellow church family.  People who we interact with regularly.  Because there is a lot of need in the strangest places. 

I have an idea of something I would like to be involved in. 

Now to just speak up.  

Go and read the Gospel ......... and be the one who had 5 talents and added 5 more. 

Take a Leap of Faith 

Cracking open the Bible Books

I have had a number of friends be part of a Bible Study group.  I was never sure what this was.  A continuous group reading of the Bible? A quiz like situation where you were lost if you did not know all the Books in the correct order? 

I went to a Bible Study group many many years ago.  Twice.  It was a mixture of the two scenarios above and I battled to fit into either.  I found myself paging frantically through my Bible, trying to look as if I knew exactly where the Book being referred to was located, repeating in my head what we all know, Genesis and then... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John ..... and hoping to spot Hebrews along that last route, which of course I wouldn't. Because it isn't.  I never went back.  

This year our Parish started Bible Study and feeling enthused I decided to join.  Well.  Look. At. Me. Now.  

I know that all the "ians" are together ... Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians and Thessalonians ... I call them the Ian family.  I know that when I get to James, Peter and John that I have just missed Hebrews one step before.  I know that any name that I probably battle with slightly is more than likely in the Old Testament.  I know that Psalms and Proverbs are there and a myriad of other little laws for myself.  I won't be able to recite the order, but at least I do not look for 1 Timothy around the Song of Songs area :).  Why?  Because T comes after S.  Simple hey?

I am now working on finding and knowing which stories I will find where.  I would love to have someone talk about Jesus Healing a Man Born Blind ... and BOOM I know exactly where it is .... now that I know where to find Jesus Talks with a Samaritan Woman, I am waiting with anticipation for someone to mention it and I can throw into the conversation "yes, mmmm John 4, one of my favourites".

Our Bible Study group is lead by our Parish Priest.  I am the youngest attendee (I think) so I am surrounded by a LOT of wisdom.  This is a wonderful group of women, plus Fr Chris and sometimes Deacon Tony.  Fr C knows the Bible as well as I know the best coffee shops in Pretoria.  Beyond extremely well.  There are ladies in the group who can cross reference like nobody's business - I still look a little like Bambi in headlights at some stages. 

But these Thursday morning classes ........ they make the Gospel come alive ... we learn that the initial reading is always pretty superficial and then we do what Fr C calls "scratching Scripture" and we break open every word and every nuance of that piece .... finding new meaning, new expression, forcing us to think out the box.  We look at the map in the Bible and we get totally immersed in the stories we read ..... when Fr C says "isn't this amazing?" .... we agree ..... damn, this is!   This usually leads us to a related debate on a more modern day issue and it really is an hour of sharing, interaction and learning. 

No get together at a "kerk" is complete without coffee and cookies.  We are no exception.  We huddle around the little Nespresso machine and discuss the day to come and then we go our separate ways .... me being fortunate that my office is only ten steps down the passage ....... and all day I mull that particular Scripture piece in my head. 

So, how do you feel about "The Kingdom of Heaven is like a mustard seed"...... do you know where to find that?? 

till soon 
Take a Leap of Faith xx 

Same Sex Orientation and the Family of God

So this month is Mission Month.  In our Parish our very forthright Priest has arranged a series of Tuesday Talks.  Taking place in the church we are going to hear, and discuss, several issues of importance in our modern day lives.  In fact these are not new issues, they are here since forever issues, but they will force many people out of their comfort zone. 

This is a good thing. 

Tomorrow night we kick off with "Same sex orientation and the Family of God" .... I hear a lot of cheering ... I also hear some "ongemaklike" squirming and fidgeting. 

Come with an open mind, asks Fr Chris.  I hope this is heard by all.  Come ... come and listen .... parents, kids, young adults, pensioners, middle aged people, for and against, come and listen.  

Remember that wonderful verse John 8:6 "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

I will be there.  My kids will be there.  It is an issue we feel strongly about.  I get quite feisty and my daughter even more so.   

And before you tell me "that everyone is entitled to their own opinion",  I agree, but I will never agree with those who use demeaning terminology, judgemental comments and generalised misperceptions and stereotyping.   He who is without sin ........ 

The following week we discuss Divorce, Annulment, Remarriage and the Church ..... I love October!! 

Till soon 
Be open minded 

When to be a Parent. When to be a Friend.

So when are you a friend and when are you a parent?  
It would seem that the kneejerk reaction of most would be never a friend, always a parent. 

However today things are different in many ways and parents and kids (mostly) relate on a whole different level to when I was growing up. 

Interactive conversation, opinions, debates and thoughts are much more open and expressed today between parents and kids, parents and teens and parents and young adults.  There is less of the do as I say kind of parenting and more of the do as I say but we can discuss why, kind of parenting.  I do not mean that every word out of your mouth is to be questioned and debated (oh wait, I have a 15 year old, so it is), I simply mean that with the vast amount of social media activity amongst youngsters and the even vaster amount of information they have access too, it is to be expected that healthy debate can, and should, take place. 

I have found these discussions, debates, interactions and even sometimes fallouts to be of huge value.  Through these, in as gentle a way as possible you get to actually get a beautiful view of what goes on in your child's head (and I mean all ages) and in their lives. That clam up thing that kids do, especially boys at a certain age, can be gently melted with some conversation.  Now parents .... note the word conversation.  Not reprimanding.  Not giving the 3rd degree.  Not starting any sentences with the words "now when I was young" or "If I said that to my mother" etc etc.  Ease yourself into a chat.  And don't tell me it is difficult.  Because I know all the pitfalls and I know that you may have to have 256 non-starter chats and retries before you make a breakthrough.  Some kids (normally up to about 9 or 10 yrs) will talk your ear off and give you EVERY detail about their day, every bathroom visit, everything their teacher said and so forth. This seems to manifest itself again in the late teens stage ... my 19 yr old daughter tells me EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING in detail of her day at chefs school and anywhere else.  My son?  My son needs to be coaxed ........ but when he gets going then we have the most fantastic conversations, at least 70 % of the week, and that is a great average to have. 

Don't say "how was your day" because you are going to get "ok" and then dear parent?  Where you gonna go now with the conversation?  I like to try what was the greatest thing about your school day .... sometimes I get one word "sandwiches" ... that is perfect ... it beats "ok" and gives me something to build on ..... what was on them (my hubby makes school lunches).  When your child has a bad day, allow some simmering and quietness .... when I have a bad day I do not want to play 20 questions with anyone ... give your children this same respect.

And bedrooms .... it is theirs .... allow it to be so.  You can lay down the basic rules about what may and may not be hung on the walls, but allow their area of interest to be displayed.  If they go home from school and collapse on the bed and remain silent for 2 hours .... bite your tongue!!!!!  They will come out I guarantee .... because hunger will drive them towards you at some stage. 

I am always my kid's parent.  But I am also their friend.  Not a friend in the BFF, share our secrets, tell me all your fears and other stuff in your life way.... but a friend in the sense of someone who is always there, who you can always call in a crisis, who will LISTEN when you have done something wrong and try hear your side, who will tell you that your hair is ok, when it is a little weird, who will buy you a peppermint crisp shake at 11pm and go to Burger King at crazy times, just for fun.  Who knows the words to many of the latest songs and allows you to play your music through the car Bluetooth en route home, even though it may not always be my favourite songs (although most are), who will watch a movie with you at all hours....... and then when I need to be a parent I tell them about bedtimes, that their hair needs to be cut, that they should think before they do and all the other parenting type things ..... 

Balance ... it is about balance .... and Communication. 

Let go and relax just a tad parents ...these will be special times otherwise that you will miss with your kids. 

till next time, 
Keep the Faith
xxxx

So let's talk about Sex

3 letters.  That can instill fear into the heart of any parent.  
Where to start the story?  When to start the story?  What part of the story should you tell and what part should you leave to the long-suffering Life Sciences & Life Orientation teachers?

Where?  Well the beginning is a great place.  When?  If you are wondering there is a strong chance you are too late.  What part? All of it.  You are the parent.  The school is the re-enforcer.  And if the detail is traumatic to you ... well in such cases you may have to lean on the above mentioned teachers a tiny bit more. 

This is the BBM, Whatsapp, SMS, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, Internet and so much more age.  Children as young as 7 are getting fancy smartphones, very often with the Internet access enabled because the phone serves the dual role of being their information "go-to" place for projects etc.  The very brutal truth, however, is that more and more that very same Internet is the "go-to" place for a plethora of pornographic sites, chat rooms and all kinds of stuff. 

Kids wandering into these are getting younger and younger and the days of this being a boys only sport are gone.  Girls are sometimes even bigger culprits here than boys.  What drives them?  Curiosity mostly, but in this age of the softening of age restrictions on movies, with some of these being shown in the prime time 8pm slots at night, where innuendos of sex without conscience are rife, the superbly easy access to Internet and the opportunity to chat to anyone, anywhere in the world, about anything at the push of a button, it is so easy.  The innocence of a teenager being flattered by the words of someone they think is 16 and kind.  Instead the person could also be 40 and on the prowl.  "Selfies" are all the rage at the moment with # anything you can think of.  These are fun and innocent when capturing everyday life and such ..... however for some they quickly spiral into a "you show me and I show you" whirlpool into which minor kids and young adults can find themselves very quickly sucked into. 

By the time you think of talking to your kids, they have probably long ago already gained all their information from their peers and other media sources. This is not a bad thing.  Kids relate easier to their peers but one needs to keep in mind that not everyone has the same moral or religious views, values and ethics and not everyone views or treats others with the respect they deserve.  If you truly cringe at the thought of keeping your child informed, in time, than at least try and find a family member or friend that can intervene. And please call things by their proper names ..... - LO and Life Science teachers are to be commended here.  They are frank, direct and open to questions.  My daughter, who wrote Matric last year, would tell me exactly what was discussed over the years from Gr 10 onwards, and she was in a co-ed school.  Boys must know about girls and vice-versa.  And yes, there will be giggling and shuffling in the class. But it passes.  And they learn.  And it is age appropriate. 

The birds and the bees and the wonderful stork are beautiful and moving.  And untrue and I promise that most little kids know that already. 

You have a duty to educate your child.  To inform them.  To warn them.  To share with them.  In a positive and natural way.  Remember you are not trying to scare them off.  You are arming them.  All in good time. 

And please, this particular blog is not meant to be judgemental.  Nor is it aimed at adults.  Life happens. To us all.  It is a hard and fast world.  I am an adult.  I know this.  See it.  Experience it.  I have friends who know this.  See it. Experience it.  It is not about condoning choices... it is about reality. And how that is managed.  Let them that throw the first stone ..... 

But if you have kids - do the right thing.  On time. 

Till then, 
take a Leap of Faith 

Teenage Boys. Where is the manual?

They don't come with instructions.  Or a how to launder tag.  Or a manual.  They don't come with a DIY booklet. 

Teenage boys.  If you have a girl, so do I, but they come with their own challenges. 

So as a loving Catholic mom .... and as a service to other moms ...... of teenage boys ...... I offer the following pearls of wisdom:

1. You are not cool.  Ever.  You don't walk or talk cool.  So avoid use of words such as "dude", "wicked", "babes" etc
2. If you fetch your son at school and his buddies are around, refrain from waving or making eye contact.  Do not alight from the vehicle.  Simply park and kill engine.  If you wait for more than 2 hours after that,  it is customary to walk closer to aforementioned child, however only making the slightest nod of your head to indicate "I am here".   My 15 year old has me well trained. 
3. He loves you.  He does.  However he has the hormone control of a blazing space shuttle hurtling through midair.  It is normal for him to ignore you completely for 3 hours, even though you have done nothing unacceptable, and then to come and sit next to you later and say "let's watch something together".  Do not make an issue out of it.  Find something to watch!! And if he wants to watch Football Funnies, do it.  This is bonus time with him. 
4. Church.  So he has done his FHC and he follows all the days of Obligation and he comes to Mass 95 % of the time.  Be grateful.  All teenagers need to question their Faith.  Not abandon it.  But question it.  How can they answer questions about it or enter into debate with someone around it if they do not challenge and question it along the way? So they go along.  Sometimes they sing.  Sometimes they don't.  Sometimes they mutter.  Many times they don't.  Your job is to ensure that you guide, lead and share the Catholic experience with them.  They will find their place.  I promise. 
5. Romance.  It is acceptable to ask how the girlfriend is.  Do not however do the 3rd degree under the fluorescent lights in the kitchen.  When he asks advice, give it - gently.  When he seems a little lost or maybe on the wrong track, steer - gently. Remember that you too were in High School.  You too fell madly in love and envisaged a life together for ever and ever.  Boys' hearts also get broken.  In such a case # 2 becomes quite prevalent.  Be there.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 
6. Never say "are you going out in that?".  He is.  Else why else would he have put it on. So unless he is half naked or wearing something completely socially unacceptable, turn a blind eye.  He probably hates your mom jeans too.  But I don't see you taking them off. 
7. Sport or Cultural Activities.  Support him.  However please remember that shrieking, waving, cheering loudly, going whoop whoop, screaming "that's my boy", handshaking and such are frowned upon.  Remain in your chair, or better still your car.  And reward on field achievements with that slight head tilt as in # 2. 

Most of all ..... LOVE, LOVE AND MORE LOVE.  On the good days, the bad days and the inbetween days.  No-one says parenting is easy.  So bite your tongue, bang your head on your steering wheel, have some rescue remedy when needed, and love him (just not publicly). 

Till soon

Take a Leap of Faith 

xxx 

Not ours to Seek

I have been thinking a lot about Confession this past week.  Not because I never go and feel guilty as a result.  I do go.  I have thought about it a lot because something my priest said to me has stuck in my head. Justice is not ours to seek. 

I had a situation that I was dealing with.  And so I did what most of us do - in my head I plotted and played out one scenario after the other.  Whilst driving, whilst watching TV, it mulled around in my head with great regularity.  What I could do to make the situation even.  Cause the same problems for others that had been caused for us.  Play acting.  Knowing that these were simply mental images, played to make me feel better. Revenge. Vengeance. Avenging the wrongs. 

And then I was reminded.  Justice is not ours to seek.  Romans 12:19 "Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

As a mom I remind my children that not everyone they encounter in life will be a friend.  Not everyone will always be loyal and sometimes those that wrong us are not enemies, they are those we give the most time and effort to.  When we decide to allow this anger and hurt to consume us, we simply add fuel to an already fast burning fire.  

Matthew Henry says "those that revenge are conquered, and those that forgive are conquerors". 

However it is often hard to remind ourselves of this, hard not to follow human nature and create mental scenarios of an eye for an eye.  But in Confession, in the presence of God and guided by our Catholic priest, I was reminded again ..... it is not ours to seek. 

Till next time
Take a Leap of Faith 

So we are a Catholic family

So I am Catholic.  Born & bred.  And we are your normal garden variety Catholic family.  

My hubby and I, two teenagers, 4 dogs and a cat.  We have all the challenges of an average family ... budgets that balance but money that seems to fall just short of the 26th of every month, a 15 year old son with the wisdom of a 20 year old (an old soul in every respect) and a 20 year old daughter, training full-time at a Chefs Academy and getting used to 12 hour days and a life away from a school she was in from Gr 0 to Gr 12.  My son has been in the same Catholic school as her since Gr 0 as well.  

We go to Mass on the weekends, sometimes in the week as well.  We observe the Holy Days of Obligation.  We pray the Angelus and the Rosary.  We make our sacrifices during Lent and we spend our lives in Church from Holy Thursday to Easter Sunday.  All the regular things.  

I work for a Priest full-time as his PA.  So church is everywhere around me.  It does not mean I am perfectly behaved or a model of religious life.  I am simply me - wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and PA.

We also have days on which we question God.  And challenge His ways.  We have days on which our language is perhaps not as should be.  We go to Confession and then find ourselves transgressing .... no-one can say they don't.  We have days that we drag kids to Church.  We have days that we drag ourselves to Church. We sometimes forget to pray.  

And I find a shortage of a forum or writing that tells the tales and daily tolls of being a simple Catholic family. 

Family outing to the zoo - July 2014

I intend to rectify this. 

Till next time
Take a Leap of Faith in Life 
xxxx